"You don't have a choice."

"Yes I do, and I am NOT going."

"You have NO choice. You are Fitzwilliam Darcy, and you are expected to go wherever you are needed. You can't just not go. You are expected in the latest story in the next 38 nanoseconds; what do you expect them to do if you don't show up? Work the story around you? You are a main character, act like one!"

Mr. Darcy, with his arms crossed and a very determined look on his face, sat in his favorite chair in the parlor of his London town house as his wife Elizabeth tried to reason with him. At the moment he resembled a stubborn three year old instead of the normally dignified master of Pemberley.

"I don't care what they do, as long as it isn't with me," he said. "Let them get that Firthy fellow; most of the readers think he's me anyway. Although I must say - I'm much taller and better looking than that bloke."

"Taller, maybe, but better looking? That's a matter of opinion - everyone has their own image of you."

"Elizabeth - you traitor!"

"Nonsense, you know you are the handsomest man of my acquaintance. Anyway, they can't get him, he's not fictitious - he actually exists in real life, unlike us. Now stop your sulking and get with the program."

"They will just torture us and make me suffer over my loss of you for 99 percent of the story, wallowing in remorse and regret for chapter after chapter, then give us just a smidgen of happiness at the end, before sending us off to another story where we repeat the whole bl&$#y mess again. Cousin Fitzwilliam was right; it's like getting your heart ripped out over and over again. I can't believe I taunted him so when he came to us for sympathy that time."

"He got over it quickly enough. Anyway, we couldn't do anything about it then and we can't do anything about it now. What is important is that we usually end in each other's arms. Try to think of the rest as...anticipation."

"Anticipation? It's unending agony!"

"Look, my love, when your existence is based on spin-offs, get used to spinning. Besides, it does end, William, and nearly always happily for us - it's that smidgen of happiness that we live for - others aren't so fortunate."

"They're welcome to my part. I'm all black looks and brooding."

"And I'm impertinence bordering on impolite, but I deal with it. What do you want? A happy-throughout story? That would be pleasant for us but extremely boring for the readers."

"Oh, I don't know. It might be a nice change for them."

"You think so? Ok, I'll give you one:

Mr. Bingley's party enters the Meryton Assembly Hall. Among them, and not at all pleased to be there, is his friend, Mr. Darcy. He scans the room, making eye contact with Miss Elizabeth Bennet, a tolerable looking young lady with fine eyes. They fall instantly in love, are married the next day by special license, and live happily ever after. The End.

Is that what you are looking for in a story?"

"Sounds good to me."

"William! It's awful! It's dull and gives enjoyment to no one!"

"It gives enjoyment to us - we get to live happily ever after without going through all the misunderstandings, heartache, and suffering."

"Being in a story is just play-acting, William. You don't have to really suffer, just pretend to suffer. You don't have to take it so seriously."

"I can't help being serious, I was created that way."

"You won't do it then, even if it means being with me?"

"Lizzy, I just need to sit this one out. You understand - don't you?"

"Not really, William, but I'll try. I'll see you when it's over?"

"I'll wait for you, right here."

"Good bye then, my love."

38 nanoseconds later:

Mr. Bingley's party enters the Meryton Assembly Hall. Among them, and not at all pleased to be there, is a gentleman friend of Mr. Bingley's. Sir William Lucas introduces the party around the room.

"Mrs. Bennet, Miss Jane Bennet, and Miss Elizabeth Bennet, I would like to introduce you to Mr. Bingley and his friend Mr..."

"...Mr. Stone!" exclaimed Elizabeth.

"Yes, hello Miss Bennet. So nice to see you again."

"Mr. Stone, I didn't know you knew Mr. Bingley."

"I, ah, I normally don't. But as Mr. Darcy couldn't make it, and I am only mentioned in the book once by Miss Lydia when she is recalling her wedding day, I was free to fill in for him. You don't mind, do you?"

"Of course I mind! I am not going to fall in dislike and then in love with my Uncle Gardiner's associate, it just wouldn't be right. No one would be right for this part except Mr. Darcy!" She turned and shouted into the air.

"William!!! Get in here...right this instant!!!"

Mr. Darcy poked his head through the Assembly Hall door. "Something wrong, darling?" he asked.

Elizabeth stalked over to him; she was so mad she could spit, but being a lady, she of course didn't. "I'm not darling yet, we've not even been properly introduced. Please come in and take your part so Mr. Stone can get back to doing whatever it is he usually does!"

"I thought he was doing an admirable job as me - not quite as moody as I would play it, but passable - I wouldn't even guess he's from Cheapside."

"He's not from Cheapside in this story, he's from Derbyshire, Pemberley to be precise. And if you allow him to play your part, do you realize what will happen?"

"Yes, he'll have to deal with the animosity and heartache, and I will not."

"And what about after the animosity and heartache? What is he destined for in the end?"

"Well, I hadn't really looked that far ahead..."

"He'll get the girl, William."

"You don't mean you and he..."

"You know he would - he would have to. It's in the story."

"But I am the only one who is supposed to get you, you know that. EVERYBODY knows that!"

"There's no other way, William. You chose not to show up."

Darcy fumed for a moment, then brightened as an idea came to him.

"There is another way, Elizabeth." He looked deeply into her eyes, more deeply than she had ever seen him look before. After a few seconds her eyes widened, she got the message.

"But William, I couldn't - you mean both of us ..."

"Uh huh, you belong with me." He took her in his arms and gave her a deep, passionate kiss, one that they were still involved in when Mr. Bingley caught sight of them a moment later.

"Darcy! I'm glad to see you could make it after all. Um, ah, Darcy? You're a bit early with that kiss, old boy. That bit isn't supposed to come into this story until episode 12. Um, Darcy?"

"Hmmm?"

"Now that you're here, what shall I do with Mr. Stone?"

Mr. Darcy, refusing to end the kiss, took a bit longer to answer his friend than he normally would, had his lips not been otherwise engaged. "Let him stay ... Introduce him ... to Miss Mary, ... Kitty, ... and Lydia ... Bennet ... Miss Charlotte ... and Maria Lucas, ... Mrs. Long's ... nieces... Did I miss anyone, darling?"

"Miss King ..." gasped Elizabeth, equally unwilling to end the kiss for so trivial a thing as speaking.

"and Miss King..." murmured Darcy.

"...and Miss Bingley," added Elizabeth.

"Oh yes, Miss Bingley," added Darcy.

Finally breaking to fill their lungs and look into each other's eyes again, Darcy said. "Carry on, Bingley. Elizabeth and I have some urgent business to attend to."

"But we are supposed to be..." Bingley began to protest.

"I have absolute faith in you, Charles, go to it!" Darcy assured him, as he lead Elizabeth out of the room, their eyes remaining locked all the while.

"Oh, yes. Right Darcy. I'll, um, I'll take care of it. Let's see..." A bit confused, but doing his best to cover up that fact, Mr. Bingley returned to his party. "Okay, let's get on with it, shall we? Stone, I believe you've already met my sister Caroline..."