Pride Trek
He awoke feeling a little out of sorts. Actually it was more like his body felt strange – almost foreign – yet how could that be? He looked down at himself and decided he must still be dreaming. Instead of his long, limber self, his body was shorter and stocky, with a slight tendency to chubbiness. And he was dressed most unusually. His breeches were gold and skin tight, and seemed to be connected all in one piece to his jacket, which was of the same material. On one side of his chest an upside down V shaped symbol was embroidered. He got off his bed and stared into a mirror – the face that looked back was not his own. Just then a portion of the wall slid open, forming a doorway. The man who entered was dressed that same way as himself, only in blue. He had a long, intelligent face, pointed ears, and eyebrows that arrowed up at angles towards his temples.
“Captain, is everything all right? We appear to have gone through a time warp.”
“Captain? Time warp?” It was all Darcy could manage.
“Yes captain. Somewhere off the Trillian Sector – we lost power for a few milliseconds. Some of the controls are burned out but Scottie is working on it.”
“Trillian Sector? We are not in Derbyshire?”
“No captain – are you certain you are all right?”
“I am perfectly fine – it is this body I am not too pleased with.”
“You have let yourself get out of shape lately.”
“The thing is, it is not my body!”
The man raised an eyebrow. Darcy was surprised the outlandish thing could go any higher. “Then whose body is it?”
“I can only suppose it belongs to this captain you keep referring to.”
“Captain Kirk.” The fellow’s other brow shot up. “Well, if you are not the captain, then who are you?”
“Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley.”
“And that would be in Derbyshire, I take it.”
“Yes it would.”
“The country England? The planet Earth?”
“What other planet could it be?”
“We are currently in deep space going where no man has gone before – there are innumerable planets to chose from.”
“That is quite impossible. This is the most confusing dream I have ever had. This body, these clothes, the unusual construction of this room, your ears.”
“There you have something in common with my captain – he’s not too keen on my ears either. But I do not think you are dreaming. It would be quite illogical for both of us to be having the same dream.”
“For it not to be a dream is impossible,” said Darcy. “I cannot be up among the stars in a . . .”
“Starship.”
“Of course,” said Darcy sarcastically. “I should have guessed. And you are a star elf.”
“Actually I’m a Vulcan. The name is Mr Spock.”
“Well, Spock, can you explain what I am doing here?”
“The easiest thing would be to perform the Vulcan mind meld,” said Spock, pinching Darcy on the side of his neck.
There was a searing pain and then Darcy began to have memories not his own. Centuries were encompassed into seconds. Spock let go and Darcy shook his head to order his thoughts. “I see,” he said. “It really is quite logical. I must be transported back to 1812 and your captain will have to give me my body back. Simple.”
Spock stared at him with appreciation. If only Captain Kirk were quite so astute.
~
Darcy shook slimy water out of his hair. Scottie had miscalculated and beamed him down into the pond behind Pemberley, rather than the library, which had been the proposed target. Of course there was always the possibility that the annoying git had done it on purpose. Luckily he knew all the secret passages of his ancestral home so he made his way to the library without bringing any attention to himself.
He opened the door and stopped upon the threshold in shock. He saw himself sitting upon a chair, his legs stretched out in a most unbecoming manner, his neck cloth askew, a decanter of cognac at his elbow. He was too taken aback to speak before his other self could.
“Captain Kirk, welcome to my humble home!” cried the poor excuse for himself that was slouched upon his favourite chair.
“I believe it is you who is Captain Kirk,” said Darcy. “I would appreciate my body back at the soonest possible convenience.”
The Kirk/Darcy laughed. “You’ve got to be joking. Even with the best exercise regimen I’d never manage to get my old body into this kind of shape.”
“But it is mine and I’ll be damned if I’ll be stuck with this one!” cried Darcy/Kirk.
“Then you are damned,” smirked Kirk. “It’s 1812, man! There’s no way to do the transference.”
“But Scottie . . . Spock . . .”
“Spock’s always wanted to get rid of me and command the Enterprise, and now he has his wish.”
“But . . . you are stranded here too.”
“That’s fine by me. I was getting tired of all that planet hopping and dealing with those annoying aliens. And how could I give all this up?” He spread his arms out wide. “I’m living in the lap of luxury, I’m as rich as a lord, and the ladies! I have to beat them off with a stick – well, not really – what would be the fun in that? I’ve always been a ladies’ man, but you had it made, pal. That friend of yours’ sister – what a babe!”
“C-Caroline?”
“Ohh mama! Sweet Caroline! She’s a hot little number.”
Darcy/Kirk sniffed. “I would never have touched her with a barge pole.”
“No wonder she’s being so appreciative!”
“This is an outrage. You are dragging the Darcy name into the dirt. You must leave and give my estate back to me. I shall go to the authorities if you persist in this travesty!”
“Who would believe you? I have your body – therefore I am now you. Sorry chum.”
“Indeed,” said Darcy/Kirk, “they would think me mad.”
“Tell you what, chum,” said Kirk/Darcy. “I’m rolling in dough. I’ll give you a ton of money to set yourself up and we’ll call it even.”
“And thus the shades of Pemberley will remain polluted!”
“Pollution – yeah that is a pesky problem. Part of the reason mankind leaves earth in the future.”
Darcy/Kirk rolled his eyes. “What about my sister? She’s a very shy girl. I would hate for anything untoward to happen to her.”
“Ah – she’s all set up with this lady in London. I’ll just buy her a piano every now and then, or something. Maybe I can con your pal Bingley into marrying her.”
Darcy/Kirk eventually had to give in and take the money – it was either that or a future in an asylum. He borrowed some clothes from the butler, who was about the same build, and set out for Meryton. If anything good were to come from this, at least now he might have a chance with Elizabeth. She had rejected him when he was Darcy, but now as Kirk, a Captain in the militia, he might have a better chance.
~
The first thing that Darcy/Kirk did upon arriving in Meryton was to attend an assembly. He made a point of being friendly with everyone, even silly old Sir William. He really had no right to be a pompous ass anymore anyway, now that he no longer had Pemberley and his ten thousand a year. Captains couldn’t afford to be anything but gracious, and he intended to be as gracious as they came. He just wished he had a better body – how could he attract Elizabeth with this older, flabbier one?
But he had discounted the fact that Elizabeth did not judge people by their appearances but their minds, and of course he still had possession of a brilliant mind. He spent the summer wooing her and when her aunt and uncle planned to take her on a trip to Derbyshire, she was so besotted that she sent Jane in her stead. She urged her father to take the family to Brighton for the summer, when the regiment transferred there, and of course he complied.
Darcy/Kirk decided that the time had finally come to propose to his dearest, loveliest Elizabeth. He knew better than to say anything about her terrible connections this time, besides he had become used to her mother’s tizzies and her younger sisters’ boisterousness. But he could not propose to her without telling her the truth, after all deceit of any sort was his abhorrence.
They were out for a walk upon the beach. Her sisters and the other officers had run ahead to play in the waves.
“Dearest Elizabeth, you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you, and no struggling at all, let me assure you.”
“What an odd way to address me,” she said. “It reminds me of a proposal that I had before.” She looked up into his eyes as if searching the depths of his soul. “What can your meaning be by starting thus, my love.”
“Oh, Elizabeth! I do hope that I have your heart because I have something to tell you that you may find difficult to believe.”
“You are not a pirate?” she asked, breathlessly. It might be exciting to be married to a pirate. “I know you do have an income which you find difficult to account for.”
“I will explain all now, but first, tell me how you feel about Mr Darcy.”
“Mr Darcy? He is nothing to me.”
“But did his letter not cause you to feel more in sympathy with him?”
“His letter? How could you know anything of his letter?”
“I was there when he wrote it.”
“You know Mr Darcy well enough to be in his confidence?” asked Elizabeth, blushing profusely.
“You could say that I know him intimately.”
“Indeed. Well, you can tell your friend that I did feel some sympathy for him, but lately I have heard such stories of his debauchery that I know his letter was nothing more than a web of lies. What has any of this to do with your proposal to me?”
“Elizabeth, dearest, that is not Darcy who has turned Pemberley into what resembles a high priced bordello. That is Captain Kirk. I am Darcy, and I love you more than I ever did back in April.”
Elizabeth grabbed Darcy/Kirk’s head and began feeling it for bumps. “Have you sustained some injury that is causing you to hallucinate like this?”
“No – I was caught in a time warp and my mind and soul were transferred into this body you see before you. The captain’s soulless mind was transferred into my body. I found myself upon a starship in a galaxy far, far away. A Vulcan with pointed ears and incredible eyebrows helped me find my way back to earth and you, my darling.”
“Life is so unfair!” cried Elizabeth. “First I get proposed to by a slimy toad of a parson, then an insulting, obsessive stalker, and now a raving lunatic! Why me? Why me?” And she ran from the beach as quickly as possible.
Darcy/Kirk watched her go. He had proposed to her twice, and been twice refused. Well he would not propose again. He may not have his body anymore, but he still had his pride.