When she returned home from a shopping excursion with her sister - in preparation for her trip to the country - she literally ran up to her room and yanked the bottom drawer of her dresser open. She threw the various books, clothes, and other personal effects that were concealing the object of her search over her shoulder frantically. Finally she found it: her book, Witchcraft and Black Magic. She quickly scanned the pages until she found the one she was seeking. It was a drawing of the sign of a witch. The one that indicated the presence of a real witch. The one to look for if one is searching for the services of a witch. The one she had seen on the wall at the last shop they had been to today. She grinned schemingly. She could follow the suggestions in the book, but she was an amateur and lacked access to many of the substances called for in the spells; to obtain the assistance of a professional would bring her certain success.

"My goodness, Alicia-Sue." Denise had just followed her into the room and scanned the floor, noticing stuff scattered everywhere. "Why were you in such a hurry? I thought you'd break your neck running up the stairs."

Alicia-Sue did not respond, she just sat on the floor in front of the open drawer of her armoire amidst the mess on the floor, staring at a page in a book

"Alicia?" Denise said, taking another step into the room.

Still, there was no answer.

Denise took a deep breath and assuming a patronizing tone said, "Mrs. Doofus."

"Yes," responded Alicia-Sue as if it was the most natural thing in the world. She finally tore her eyes from the page before her and fixed them expectantly on her sister.

"What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing." She wanted her sister to go away. "I have a headache and I'd like to take a nap before dinner. Get out." Denise rolled her eyes and left the room, and Alicia-Sue returned her attention to her book.

After dinner she went straight to her bedroom, claiming to still have a headache. But instead of going to bed, she donned a dark coat and went from her sister’s house into the dark Land O’Lakes streets. The air was thick and the night was foggy, but she made her way back to the shop guided by the light of the full moon overhead. Everything was locked up, but there was a faint glow of putrid light emanating from one of the back windows. She walked around and knocked on a door, which she could only surmise was the entrance to the living quarters of the proprietor. The woman who had waited upon Alicia-Sue at the shop earlier in the day opened the door, except this time she appeared darker, older, and more haggard than Alicia-Sue had remembered. She had a long thin nose with a wart on the end, and she was all dressed in black with a strange and pointy hat on her head. "Ah, Alicia-Sue we have been expecting you."

"You have?"

"Of course. I noticed you staring at the drawing on the wall in the shop. I knew you'd be wanting our services." Alicia-Sue stepped through the door. There were four other women in the room and there was a large black cauldron boiling over the fire with green goo bubbling over its sides. Next to the shelves filed with old jars and thick books were five broomsticks leaning against the wall. Just as Alicia-Sue walked into the room, a black cat crossed in front of her. She began to tremble with fear.

The woman spoke again. "I am Miss Sofie Coven, and these are my sisters, Miss Rita Coven, Miss Cindy Coven, and Miss Alyson Coven." Then she added with deference, "and that is our mother, Mrs. Sarah Coven."

"Nice to meet ya'll." said Alicia-Sue, though the statement was laced with insecurity.

All the Covens were very busy. Miss Sofie was taking jars off the shelves and sniffing them one by one, as if searching for something. Miss Rita was stirring the ever-bubbling goo with tireless monotony as Miss Cindy added a variety of substances one by one, and Miss Alyson chanted quietly and incoherently over the brew as she read from a book that lay open on a table in front of her. Miss Sofie looked to her mother and said, "This is the young lady I was telling you about Mama. She was in the shop earlier today."

"Welcome to the Coven coven," said Sarah, as she gestured towards a dusty sofa upholstered in a thick black tapestry. "What brings you to us this evening?"

"I need help getting a hot guy."

"Piece of cake. Just any hot guy, or is there someone specific?"

"Oh, I have a guy in mind."

"Of course you do dear," Sarah said condescendingly. "I assume you brought something that belongs to him?"

"Of course," said Alicia-Sue, proud that she had known at least that much. She reached into her purse and took out Mr. Doofus' wristwatch she had pilfered and handed it to Mrs. Coven.

"A wristwatch?" asked Sarah in an amused tone.

"It was easiest to get my hands on," she replied.

Cindy was already preparing a smaller cauldron and placing it over the fire next to the large one. Rita began ladling out a bit of the rich green goo from the large pot into the smaller one.

"What is that?" asked Alicia-Sue.

"That is our stock brew. We make a fresh batch every night. Now we only have to personalize it for your purposes."

Alyson then approached her with a pin. "I need three drops of your blood," she said, taking Alicia-Sue’s hand.

She was shocked. "But why?"

Alyson sighed heavily and rolled her eyes. "Because the recipe calls for it. It’s not vegan of course, but I won’t be drinking it." She led Alicia-Sue to the small pot, pricked her finger, and let three drops fall into the pot.

Sofie announced, "I found it!" She sprinkled a reddish powder generously into the small pot. Rita sprinkled in a handful of M&Ms. The goo changed color from green to a deep purple to a crimson red and then to a frothy black. Cindy then poured a layer of Diet Coke over the top and set it on fire. Alyson dangled the wristwatch into the goo.

Cindy pulled a book from the shelf. She turned to Alicia-Sue and said, "What's his name, dear?"

"Doofus, Mr. Fitzwilbur Doofus of Pemberley, Florida."

"He's called Fitzwilbur Doofus and you want to use a love potion on him? Are you hard up or what, girl?" asked Cindy.

"I'll have you know he's the hottest guy in Florida - what's in a name anyway? Fitzwilbur Doofus would be as hot were he not Doofus called," said Alicia-Sue with a toss of her black curls.

"Believe that if it consoles you," muttered Rita under her breath.

Then all four daughters joined hands in front of the fire and read from the book in unison. Alicia-Sue heard her name and Doofus' name but not much else. At length they stopped and removed the boiled watch from the pot. To Alicia-Sue's surprise it was cool, dry, and undamaged. She would be able to return it to where she had found it. Sofie grabbed a bottle from the shelf and poured a few drops of rich dark brown syrup into the brew.

"What's that?" asked Alicia-Sue.

"Chocolate," said Sofie.

"Chocolate?"

"Cadbury's chocolate," said Sofie significantly.

Alyson nodded and smiled. "Makes it go down easier!"

Rita stirred the goo a few more times while Sofie got a small empty glass vial from the shelf. She held it as Cindy expertly poured every last drop of liquid from the much larger pot into the tiny bottle. Sofie then placed the cap on the vial and handed it to Alicia-Sue.

Alyson said, "You must add a thimble-full of this potion to his tea."

"A thimble-full," repeated Alicia-Sue.

"A thimble-full, no more no less," emphasized Rita.

"The tea must be prepared with sugar but no cream," said Cindy.

"Sugar, no cream," repeated Alicia-Sue trying to remember how Doofus took his tea. Did he even drink tea?

"Two sugars," said Sofie, "no cream."

"Then you have to chant as he drinks it," said Sarah.

"He must not sip, he must swallow it in one gulp," said Alyson.

"One gulp, no sipping," repeated Alicia-Sue. Then turning her attention back to Sarah she asked, "What do I chant?"

All of them answered at once, "Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble."

Alicia-Sue began to repeat it, "Double, double, toil and . . . wait a minute, isn't that Shakespeare?"

"Yes," replied Rita hurriedly, "and our ancestors were ticked off that he revealed one of our secret chants in his play." The others began to nod their agreement vigorously.

"You must chant it three times," said Cindy.

"Three times."

"Three times," repeated Alyson, "while pressing your left hand to your heart and your right hand to his."

"Left hand on my heart, right hand on his."

"And you must be wearing an orange mini skirt," said Rita.

"Orange mini. That shouldn't be a problem." Alicia-Sue made a mental note to run out and buy a mini first thing in the morning.

"And you must do all of this while standing on one foot," said Sofie.

"One foot."

"The right foot," added Cindy, helpfully.

"With your eyes crossed," said Rita.

"And, if at all possible," said Sarah, "he should be wearing that watch when it is done."

"Wearing the watch."

"Thimble full . . . two sugars, no cream . . . gulp no sipping . . . 'double double toil and trouble fire burn and cauldron bubble' . . . left hand on my heart, right hand on his . . . orange mini . . . stand on right foot . . . cross eyes . . . wear the watch." She continued to repeat everything, trying to commit it to memory. Then she placed the vial in her purse and asked, "How much do I owe you?"

Rita handed Sarah a book, and Sarah answered, "Before we tell you, allow us to show you our lovely book of simple spells. It looks like an ordinary diary, so you can carry it with you, but it contains the most basic spells needed for everyday life."

"One to cause a stubborn servant to come down with avian flu," said Sofie.

"Another to cause sudden facial blemishes to disappear," said Rita.

" . . . or appear," added Cindy.

"Another to make your rival trip and fall while she dances with your beloved," said Alyson.

"Another to bring on memory loss in those who may have witnessed you doing something inappropriate," said Sofie.

"Everything you need to make life a little easier," finished Sarah.

"I'll take it," replied Alicia-Sue, grabbing the little book. "How much?"

"One hundred and fifty dollars."

Alicia-Sue gasped. "One hundred and fifty dollars?!?!"

"Do you think running a coven is inexpensive? Do you know the going rate for Blind-Worm's Sting these days?"

Alicia-Sue sighed heavily. She was dying to get out of there. She thought of all the money she would have as Mrs. Doofus and quickly handed over the required payment and left the place - very satisfied with her purchases.

As soon as the door was closed behind her, Sarah said to her daughters, "Well done, girls." They all laughed. She looked at Rita and said, "Nice save on Macbeth. I didn't think she'd recognize it."

"That was a close one," agreed Sofie.

"Perhaps we should consider looking to other resources," suggested Cindy.

Then Alyson looked at Sofie and said, "standing on one foot? That's a new one. Very creative."

"I was trying to make her look ridiculous."

"Oh, she will," said Sarah, "she will." They all cackled, imagining Alicia trying to carry out their spell.

When they had all calmed themselves and wiped the tears of mirth from their eyes, Alyson looked at her mother and asked, "Think it'll work?"

"It would take a miracle."

Alicia-Sue was lost in a daydream about her imminent wedding to Mr. Doofus, and having all the servants of Pemberley mansion at her beck and call. Suddenly a memory of her visit there the summer before overcame her, causing her to drool. She had been strategically placed relaxing on a deck chair when she saw Doofus emerge, wet from an afternoon swim in his Olympic sized swimming pool. She recalled how the water droplets had glistened upon his sculpted chest, masculine face and his dark, curly locks, and how his swimming shorts had clung to his muscular thighs and little rivulets of water had trickled oh so slowly down his long, tanned legs. She remembered herself with a start and wiped the dribble of drool from her cheek before Doofus could see it.

When they reached the house, Alicia-Sue wanted to order some tea for Doofus straight away, but when she got out of the Jag a dog was barking at her ferociously from the anteroom to the foyer. A fat, drooling bulldog. "Call off your dog, Chuck!" she yelled at the resort manager.

"Oh, that's just ol' Sophie, Miss, his drool is worse than his bite. Don't you pay him no mind."

Denise said, "Sophie? What kind of name is that for a male dog?"

"I was a bit confused when I named him," said Chuck.

Denise laughed, patting the dog's head. Sophie seemed to enjoy it and rubbed eagerly against the offered hand.

"See there, he's real friendly," said Chuck.

Doofus and Sprout patted his head too, but Alicia-Sue drew back in disgust.

"Get rid of the mongrel," cried Alicia-Sue.

"Yes ma'am, anything you say," said Chuck sarcastically.

Sophie stared right at her, teeth bared and growling, then sat back down upon the step and rested his great slippery head on his forelegs.

Alicia-Sue had to skirt past him to get into the sitting room. "Chuck, how do you get service around here?" she dried. "I want a Diet Coke. And make a pot of tea for Doofus and Denise."

Chuck gave her a dirty look, but he knew which side his bread was buttered on so he went to the kitchen to put in her order.

When room service arrived with a trolley, Alicia-Sue turned to Doofus. "May I fix you a cup of tea?"

"What about offering it to Denise and Sprout first?"

"Of course," she replied, quickly giving half-full cups of tea to the others without bothering to ask how either of them liked it.

With her back turned, she removed the vial of love potion from her purse and prepared Doofus' tea just as the witches had prescribed it. She offered it to the object of her schemes, saying, "Down it, Doofus," lifting her left foot and clutching her own heart with her left hand, holding the cup out to him in her right, her lips poised to articulate the words stolen from ancient witches by the Bard, her eyes studiously crossed.

Suddenly, in the act of crossing her eyes, she noticed that Doofus was wearing his Rolex and not the watch she'd taken to the coven.

"Your watch" she muttered absently, "you're wearing your Rolex and not your Timex."

"So?" he replied. It only served to remind him that she was a brick short of a load.

Alicia-Sue almost fell over trying to put the cup of tea back on the tray, when Chuck came into the room and reached for it saying, "Don't mind if I do."

Horror at the thought of him drinking it made her topple over, the teacup crashing to pieces on the Mediterranean tiles. One thimble-full wasted, not to mention a mess on the floor. Chuck yelled at her for being a klutz and called a maid in to wetvac the floor. Doofus got his own tea and went out onto the balcony with Chuck. Alicia-Sue was furious. Later Alicia-Sue decided to pay Chuck back. She got out her spell book and chose an easy spell.

"One spot, two spot, three spot four. Smartass Chuck is now an eyesore," she chanted. She smiled to herself in smug satisfaction, as she finished chanting it a fourth time, for good measure.

That evening they went to The Assembly nightclub in Meryton. The place and the patrons were everything Alicia-Sue had anticipated: vulgar, coarse, and utterly ghetto. Chuck introduced them to his latest crush Jan, and her sister Lizzy. Alicia-Sue was happy that Doofus only danced with her and Denise, and that he told Chuck that while his date was foxy the sister wasn't cute enough to tempt him. But Alicia-Sue could sense a rival when she saw one and decided that she couldn't trust Liz as far as she could throw her.

On the way home in the Jag, she enjoyed listening to Doofus dissing all the people they'd seen. He had spent most of the evening keeping losers away from his sister. After he'd put down all the guys at the club he went on to the girls they'd met. Chuck's girlfriend he admitted was pretty, if you liked the smiley type, but he said that anyone who thought Liz good looking needed their head examined.

When they got back to the resort, Chuck started complaining that his face was itchy. Denise took one look at him and screamed. Sprout turned green and ran into the house.

"Are you allergic to anything?" asked Doofus, trying hard not to stare at him.

"What makes you ask that?" cried Chuck in alarm.

"You look . . . uh, . . . unwell. I'm taking you to the clinic."

Alicia-Sue was thrilled at how well the spell had worked - Chuck was hideous. But her joy didn't last long. As soon as she entered the house Sophie came bounding into the room and immediately threw himself upon her, jumping up and down, running circles around her, licking her affectionately, and even drooling all over her, all the while wagging his tail most passionately. It was disgusting! She shrieked and ran into her bedroom. What had gotten into the mutt?

The following morning, Alicia-Sue was dreaming happily of being kissed by Doofus when she woke up - and consequently all of Netherfield was awakened. The scream coming from her room was enough to make everyone think she was being murdered in her bed. They ran to save her, but instead of a murderer Alicia-Sue was fighting off the affections of Sophie, who was standing over her on the bed and licking her face ardently. She struggled under the animal as she yelled, "Get this dog off of me," in between her panting breaths.

Chuck had already lunged forward in an effort to save the dog from Alicia-Sue's sharp nails, but Sophie climbed nimbly over her to the opposite side of the bed. Chuck ran around the bed to grab the dog, and Sophie bounded back over Alicia-Sue again. The two went back and forth several times while Alicia-Sue was trampled repeatedly - and it seemed as if one of the three was enjoying this game. Alicia-Sue was covered in slobber by the time the dog was caught.

She screamed, "How did that animal get back into my room?" She turned her angry eyes towards Sophie and pointed an accusatory finger at him as she spoke. Sophie, feeling the wrath of the object of his devotion upon him, crawled with some trepidation towards her and placed himself at her feet where he lowered his head in abject humility and let out a whimper. Unmoved, Alicia-Sue yelled, "I want you and that mutt out of here, Chuck - the dog is disgusting and you are grotesque."

All day weird things happened. Wherever Chuck went, mirrors and glass of any kind broke spontaneously. All the staff took off and Denise and Sprout refused to leave their rooms unless Chuck was confined to his own.

Chuck's girlfriend Jan, arrived with her sister, and Alicia-Sue had to entertain them by herself. Chuck refused to come out of his room, and Doofus was nowhere around. Alicia-Sue wondered how she could get rid of them when all at once the dog Sophie trotted intro the room.

"Cute doggie!" said Liz, crouching down and holding her hand out to him.

Sophie snarled and bared his teeth, his hackles rising. He ran in front of Alicia-Sue protectively. Alicia-Sue felt a surge of pleasure - the dog was smarter than she'd expected. Unfortunately Doofus chose this moment to join them and he looked at Liz with concern.

"I think the dog's psycho," he said to her. "He didn't hurt you, I hope."

"No," she said, smiling up at him, and Alicia-Sue was sure that the cheap sleaze was flirting with him. Her Doofus.

Doofus tried to calm the dog but it continued to growl at Jan and Liz. "Why don't you call him off?" he yelled at Alicia-Sue.

"It's not my fault Sophie's acting like this!" she said. But at the sound of his name on her lips, the dog immediately quieted and prostrated himself before her, whimpering.

She patted him and said, "Now quiet down," and he did. Then she smiled insincerely into Liz’s skeptical eyes. The two girls made excuses and left.

They had to go out to dinner that night because all the staff were still gone. Doofus was in a bad mood because Chuck would not come out of his room and he thought the guy was suicidal. Alicia-Sue decided that enough was enough. She'd only wanted to punish Chuck, not make things bad for the rest of them. She wanted Doofus happy, and if it meant clearing up Chuck's skin defects, she'd just have to do it. So on their return she got her book out again and uttered the incantation, "Out, damned spots! Out, I say!"

That evening she tried the tea trick again - Doofus' attention to Liz that afternoon worried her. She had to make sure he was hers, all hers. She fixed Doofus another cup of tea with a dose of her love potion, but he politely refused it. She was becoming frustrated with him and didn't know what to do with the tea. Finally, when no one was looking, she poured the tea into the pot of an ornamental plant. Another thimble full of love potion gone.

The next morning Chuck was miraculously healed, and he convinced the staff to come back. Alicia-Sue could live in luxury again, but as a downside it meant that Jan and Liz were always around. Sophie began dogging Alicia-Sue's footsteps, but she no longer minded - his slavish devotion appealed to her ego.

Alicia-Sue took advantage of every opportunity during this time to attempt to serve her love potion to Doofus. Each of these attempts was foiled, however, with Fitzwilbur left questioning her sanity.

After dining one night at Lucas Lodge, a restaurant known for its haute cuisine, Alicia Sue was looking forward to critiquing the evening with Doofus on the drive back to Netherfield.

"The food was inedible! Nothing but vegetables covered in sauce. No pizza! No chicken strips! I ordered fries and they came drenched in vinegar!"

"I thought it was good," said Doofus.

"And I'm so sick of having to put up with that insipid Jan and her harpy of a sister."

"Me too," said Denise.

"I like them," said Sprout.

"Even Liz? The one that keeps rolling her eyes and arching her brows like Spock? Doofus, you noticed her weird facial contortions, didn't you?"

"I think the things she does with her eyes are kinda cute," he said. And the look on his face when he said it sent shivers down Alicia-Sue's spine.

Alicia-Sue was beginning to get annoyed with the way the authoresses of her story were treating her. Not only was she being forced to do ridiculous things every time she tried to give Doofus the potion, but Doofus himself did not come across as hot in the story. She knew it was nothing to do with his name - those evil women were just trying to make a fool out of her. He was still the sexy hunk she'd always known him to be, but she was afraid that readers were snickering about him behind her back. She didn't care! She would prove to the world that he was a guy worthy of her dreams and desires. She would win him and be envy of all else for centuries to come.

Sophie must have noticed her mood because he came and nuzzled her hand with his dripping snout. She wiped it upon a convenient square of linen and then walked determinedly into the sitting room to face the day.

She found Denise and Sprout making plans to invite the Bennetgirls, Jan and Liz, for a girl's night - chick flick, toenail painting, that sort of thing. Doofus and Chuck were going out bowling.

('Did you have to make it bowling?' sighed Alicia-Sue, shaking her fist towards heaven, as she was not entirely sure of the location of the evil authoresses. Was there anything less hot than bowling?) She managed to convince them to only invite Jan and she thought the evening wouldn't be too bad, but the silly girl was showing so much skin that she caught a cold and fell asleep wrapped up in blankets before the movie was even begun.

"Well now our evening is ruined," said Alicia-Sue bitterly as Sophie curled up at her feet. "I don't know why you suggested inviting her in the first place."

"But isn't this what you wanted, a nice quiet evening?" asked Denise.

"I wanted a nice quiet evening with Sprout!"

"Ah, well, you'll just have to put up with me too." Denise said. She looked past Alicia-Sue's shoulder, wide-eyed, and continued staring.

"What's so interesting behind me?" asked Alicia-Sue, glancing in the direction her sister was gazing.

"Has that tree always leaned towards the right like that?"

"Leaning? Now you're so bored, Denise, that you imagine trees leaning,"

"I am sure it is leaning, and not only that, it's reaching out towards you."

"This isn't a B movie, Denise," said Alicia-Sue as she suddenly felt something tickling the back of her neck.

"I think it's trying to hug you," said Sprout.

"What?" cried Alicia-Sue, as she tried to brush away the branch that was now curling around her waist.

Another branch twined around her from the other side. Alicia-Sue grabbed at it and yelled at it to stop while Sprout and Denise huddled together, whimpering.

Another branch twisted its way around Alicia-Sue and gently caressed her cheek. She suddenly was overwhelmed by a sensation of comfort. She felt cherished, loved. She sighed and leaned back as the leaves rustled about her face.

"It's okay, girls," she said. "Put in the movie. I'm just fine."

They glanced at her apprehensively but started the DVD.

When Doofus and Chuck returned later that night, they both stopped in horror as they entered the room.

"My goodness, she's been captured by the strangler fig!" yelled Chuck, and then he fell on the floor and rolled about laughing. Doofus offered to extricate her but he, too, was finding it hard to keep a straight face.

The next day, Jan was as sick as ever and besides ordering her a bowl of chicken soup, Chuck insisted on inviting Liz to come and take care of her sister. She rode her bike the whole way there and arrived all dusty and windblown. Alicia-Sue and Denise both began laughing about her appearance as soon as she went up to see Jan.

"She looks like something the cat dragged in," said Denise.

But Alicia-Sue wasn't as pleased about the look Liz had given Doofus. It was positively predatory. And to make things worse, Doofus, rather than agreeing with Denise, said that he liked the bright-eyed, wind blown look.

The next few days were absolute torture. Alicia-Sue was nauseous just watching Liz's pitiful attempts at catching Doofus' interest. Did she really think men were interested in intelligent women? But for some obscure reason Doofus paid much more attention to Liz than she deserved. Over the next few days Liz continued to throw herself at Doofus, and to Alicia Sue's disgust he seemed to be playing right into her hands. Their verbal sparring continued, and now involved in depth discussions of Alicia-Sue's conquest of the strangler fig. This disgusted Alicia-Sue especially since it was Liz who was being entertained at her expense.

Though she hated seeing the sleaze worm her way into Doofus' affections, Alicia-Sue did not try to use the love potion during the Bennetgirls' stay. The last thing she was about to do was stand on one foot and go cross eyed in front of Liz. Instead she decided to wait until the Gala Charity Ball that Netherfield hosted every year, She'd get back at Liz there and totally humiliate her before ultimately claiming Doofus for her own.

The following morning, Alicia-Sue wracked her brain for ideas as she made her way to the Dwiggie Meeting. She entered a Panera Bread restaurant in search of scones and had just ordered a selection of treats from a young freckled girl when she noticed a design on the inside of the girl's wrist.

"What is that?" asked Alicia-Sue.

"It is a tattoo," she replied, pulling her hand away.

"But the design," said Alicia-Sue, "I've seen it before."

The young lady was surprised. "Have you? Where?"

"At a shop in Land O’Lakes."

"Do you happen to know the name of the proprietor?"

"Mrs. Sarah Coven."

The befreckled girl smiled widely. "My Aunt Sarah!"

"Your aunt?"

"Yes, my father's sister. I haven't seen her since my parents died. My uncle, my mother's brother, took me in after their death. Aunt Sarah wanted me to live with her and my cousins, but my uncle wouldn't allow it." Then the girl remembered herself and said, "Let me introduce myself. My name is Mary Jennifer Woodhouse."

"I am Alicia-Sue. Pleased to meet you, Mary-Jen."

“Now tell me, when did you see my aunt and cousins? How are they?"

Alicia-Sue assured Mary-Jen that her relatives were alive (and she hesitated to add very odd) when she saw them in Tampa. She then asked cautiously, "Are you skilled in your aunt's . . . craft?"

"I know a little, but my talent lies primarily in another area. "

"Really?" asked Alicia-Sue with great curiosity.

"How do you know about my aunt's gifts? Did you...?"

Alicia-Sue told her, in the quietest voice and the briefest of terms, her quest for Fitzwilbur Doofus.

Mary-Jen smiled. "I know just what you need. And you won't find it in that spell book! Come." She led Alicia-Sue into the back room.

Alicia-Sue marveled at how everything was arranged by color and type. There were bolts of different fabrics and other supplies used in the making of what appeared to be rag dolls. Miss Woodhouse picked up one of the white dolls from a basket in the corner. It had black buttons for eyes and a small stitch of red thread that curved into a teasing smile.

"That's her!" said Alicia-Sue. They fitted the doll with appropriate clothing. Then Mary-Jen Woodhouse chanted over the doll in some unknown language while she burned some chocolate-scented incense. She handed Alicia-Sue a lacy linen hanky, a squirt bottle, and a handful of evergreen branches and told her to use them while she danced about the room with the doll whenever she saw characters from the movie dancing.

When she finished the ritual, Mary-Jen handed the doll to Alicia-Sue with a small box. Alicia opened the box and saw that it contained several large pins. "I have placed a voodoo spell on the doll. Whatever you do to the doll will happen to Liz, so be very careful with it."

"Oh," said Alicia-Sue, who hadn't had any idea what was going on until now. "Thank you so much, Mary-Jen."

"No problem. That will be one hundred bucks."

"A hundred bucks? No way! The fabric and buttons didn't cost that much!"

"Of course not! But my artistic skill has some value. It's a matter of supply and demand. There isn't that big a market for voodoo dolls. "

"Whatever," said Alicia-Sue, handing over the money.

Alicia-Sue returned to Netherfield, clutching her Lizzy-doll closely, fantasizing about all the misery she could inflict on Liz Bennet using the doll. She would have the sleaze acting so weirdly that Doofus would realize that the glow in her eyes was nothing but insanity. Alicia-Sue was drawn from her happy revelry by the sound of voices chattering in the street.

She ducked into a doorway and, from her hidden vantage point, could see Jan and Liz talking to a marine and a slimy looking nerd. Alicia-Sue decided it was the perfect opportunity to test the doll. She took a pin and poked it in the back of the neck.

"Ouch," said Liz.

"You okay?" asked the marine.

"Just got bit by a mosquito," said Liz, rubbing her neck and smiling up at him.

Just then Doofus and Chuck drove up in the Jag.

'Now I can show him she's mentally unstable!' thought Alicia-Sue, gleefully.

She clutched the doll in anticipation and dug a pin deep into its hip.

"Ow," screamed Liz, as she fell to the ground in excruciating pain.

Doofus was out of the car in a flash. At that moment he saw the marine who was at her side. One of them went red, the other white. (Take your pick)

"Wickham!" Doofus snarled. But then both of them forgot their problems as Liz whimpered.

"Is there anything I can get you?" Doofus asked as he grabbed hold of her.

"Wanna beer?" asked Wickham as her ripped a can from the six-pack he was carrying.

The nerd ran to her side too. "I'll call 911."

Jan and Chuck were snogging in the backseat of the Jag, completely oblivious to all the commotion.

'Oops,' said Alicia-Sue to herself, as she realized she was not getting the desired effect. Then she poked the doll a few more times for good measure making Liz spasm like a lunatic. She laughed as she ran off, thinking of how silly Liz would look when the paramedics arrived and could find nothing wrong with her.

Alicia-Sue snuck up the back stairs to her room and put the doll on the windowsill, and then she went to the sitting room to join Denise and Sprout.

Sophie was sniffing about the room and found the doll on the windowsill. He intuitively recognized it as the enemy. He knew he had to remove the evil thing from his mistress' hallowed quarters.

He carried it outdoors and Liz, who was watching TV, suddenly felt like she was floating. Her family wondered why she was dragging herself backwards around the room. Then she flew into the corner as Sophie dropped the doll and began digging a hole.

"Lizzy!" cried her mother.

"I'm okay, mom," she said, and sat up shaking her head at the strange things that were happening to her.

But her ordeal was not over - soon the hole was dug and Sophie decided to use her as a chew toy. She felt as if a saber-toothed tiger was attacking her and she screamed and writhed in agony. Her father carried her to her room as her mother rifled through the medicine cabinet.

"Where's the Tylenol 3 and the Ritalin?" she wailed.

Sophie was about to drop the doll in the hole when Doofus came along.

"What do you have there?" he said.

'I wasn't born yesterday,' thought Sophie, and didn't answer. Instead she sat on the doll, trying to hide it.

Unfortunately Doofus wasn't fooled and he proceeded to wrestle Sophie for the doll. Liz's wild contortions gave further proof of her insanity to her family.

Finally Doofus held the doll in his two hands. It was beautiful, just like Liz. He gazed at it and then stroked its cheek. Liz sighed at the feel of a caress and snuggled into her blankets as the drugs her mother had administered took hold. Doofus went up to his room, hiding the doll behind his back, and put it in his underwear drawer.

After dinner, Alicia-Sue tried to serve Darcy a dose of tea with her potion in it. He took it from her and she was so shocked that he'd accepted it, that she forgot to perform the spell. She immediately lifted up her foot, put her hand over her heart and crossed her eyes. She reached out to touch Doofus as he looked into the tea and almost fell over when he stepped away from her.

"Are you trying to kill me?" he growled.

"Kill you? Don't be . . . "

He showed her the cup - a fly was in it, struggling to get out of the hot tea. "Gross," she said.

"I'm not drinking that!" Doofus exclaimed, putting it on the table. "I'll pour you a new one," she offered eagerly, going to the teapot.

"No," he replied, "I'll do it myself."

Alicia-Sue worried about the tainted tea - she didn't want anyone else getting it. It was bad enough that she had a dog and a plant and now a fly in love with her. If Chuck should drink it . . . the mind boggled. While everyone else was glued to the TV screen she surreptitiously poured the tea into the planter around the stem of her fig. She almost thought the plant sighed as it leaned closer and wrapped loving tendrils about her.

When she went up to bed she couldn't find the doll on her windowsill. She tore her room apart but it was nowhere. After hours of fruitless searching and tearing her hair out she threw herself upon her bed and fell asleep in tears while the fly buzzed lovingly about her head.

Meanwhile, Doofus had taken the doll from his drawer and gone to bed with it snuggled beside him on his pillow. As Elizabeth lay in her bed at Longbourn she felt herself wrapped in a warm, cozy embrace, which distracted her from sleep.

Alicia-Sue searched high and low for the doll and finally, the day before the ball, she sat in her room sobbing hopelessly. All her plans were ruined. Sophie, sensing his mistress' agitation, came to nuzzle her hand. "Oh, Sophie," she said, as she wiped her slimy fingers on a convenient linen square. "It is gone. Gone." He looked at her curiously and she said, "The doll. My Liz doll has gone missing."

Sophie realized what he had done, but wasn't about to let on and get in trouble so he slunk out of the room. He sniffed the hallways and followed the scent to Doofus' room. Doofus was inside sleeping soundly, hugging his Elizabeth doll to his manly chest - as he had done every night since the day he had stolen it from the dog.

On the morning of the ball Doofus awoke early, dressed, and went whistling down to breakfast in the best of moods. As soon as he was out the door Sophie snuck in and discovered that the doll was shut up in a drawer. He ran to Alicia-Sue's room and awoke her by licking her hands and face. "Doofus," she sighed. Then she opened her eyes. "Sophie?" The dog jumped up and down and spun around once or twice. "Timmy fell down a well?" she asked as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. He became more excited and just a tad frustrated. "You found my doll?" she cried with glee, and then she put on her housecoat and followed Sophie to Doofus' room.

Alicia-Sue examined her reflection in the mirror. She was getting tired of wearing orange though she had to admit that the vibrant color showed off her dusky locks and her caramel complexion to perfection. This dress was a stunner - the neckline dipped to her navel and was trimmed with rows of beading in coral and salmon shades. Her natural endowments were pushed to an exquisite height by her finely engineered lingerie. Her hair was swept up in a Cher-like arrangement with tangerine-colored ribbons woven throughout, perfectly complementing the three extraordinarily long feathers that erupted from her curls, and tantalizing wisps had been left to twirl down her neck in a most provocative way. It was all about the bling, and she was covered in it - necklaces, bracelets, rings and earrings that stretched to her shoulders, all inlaid with chunks of synthetic diamond. Her make-up was perfect: doe eyes, face shimmer and luscious lip-gloss. It was enough to knock Doofus' socks off.

Into a beaded clutch purse she put the last dose of the potion as well as the doll and some pins. Tonight Doofus would be hers! As Alicia-Sue glided down the stairway to join her sister, Sprout, and Fitzwilbur Doofus at the bottom, Doofus looked up and his mouth dropped open in awe. She gave him a sultry smile and batted her two-inch eyelashes. He was obviously stunned by her beauty. "Good evening Doofus darling," she breathed, looking deep into his eyes. He continued staring at her unbelievingly. She rolled her eyes, sighed, and said, "Men!"

The room began to fill up and finally her nemesis arrived. Liz Bennet was so sloppy, so unstylish, so last week. She must have given up on ever catching Fitzwilbur Doofus - but Alicia-Sue couldn't blame the poor fool, given the quality of her competition. Doofus took pity on her, however, and told her that she looked good. 'Yeah - like the girl next door in a welfare line,' thought Alicia-Sue.

When the first dance started, Alicia-Sue expected Doofus to ask her to dance, but instead he stood leaning against the wall and looking out the window. She realized he was too shy to ask her so she tripped lightly across the floor on her spike heels and grabbed his hand. "Everyone is dancing," she cried in a sparkly voice.

"Right," he replied, shrinking from her with a half-frightened look and moving to the other end of the room. Now she understood - her beauty intimidated him. He was fearful of rejection. She longed to reassure him of her love but he'd taken refuge in the men's room.

Alicia-Sue soon discovered that Doofus wasn't the only man overwhelmed by her beauty - she was a bit frustrated by their lack of courage! All the other ladies were dancing - even Liz, though it was just the slimy nerd. He tromped on Liz's toes more than once, much to Alicia's glee.

Over in a corner several marines were laying bets as to whether or not she was a petite guy in drag. They dared one another to dance with her. Bets were laid out, money changed hands, and a cocky young hottie asked her to dance. She thought that would get Doofus going (if he ever came out of the men's room, that is) and tripped out onto the dance floor. The marine pressed his body tightly against her as they danced, almost like a second skin. Could she help it if she was irresistible? After the dance was over and she had refused the young officer's unexpected offer of money and his room key, Alicia-Sue noticed that Doofus was back in the ballroom and leading Liz out onto the floor. Now was her chance to make the girl look like a mental case. She hid behind a potted palm, took the doll out of her purse and poked a pin into the ankle. She giggled as Liz lifted her foot in the air and squealed. As Doofus helped Liz from the floor, Alicia-Sue pricked one ankle and then the other, causing her to hop about, squeaking like a complete fool. Doofus lifted her up and carried her - not quite the desired result. In anger Alicia-Sue shoved a pin deep into the doll's back and twisted it. Liz writhed in Doofus' arms and he almost dropped her before placing her gently upon a couch.

Everyone crowded around and Alicia-Sue became jealous that Liz had all the attention. She decided to poke her all over out of spite and was so caught up in doing it that she accidentally shoved the pin deep into her own thumb. She shrieked in pain and dropped the doll into a planter as the whole room turned to look at her. Well, she'd got their attention all right. She sauntered out from behind the palm and came over to where Liz was lying on the couch.

"You poor thing - you should go home and rest," she said in a voice oozing with sympathy. "I'll call you a cab." On the side she whispered to Doofus, "I think she's a druggie."

Mary-Jen came up to her and shoved her bulging purse into her hands. "You can't leave a thing like this around!" she hissed.

Alicia-Sue checked - the doll was stuffed in the purse. She looked at Liz who seemed to be all scrunched up on the couch and having trouble breathing. She smirked, but try as she would she couldn't convince Liz to leave, or Doofus to leave her side.

"How about some tea instead?" she suggested.

Liz smiled at her, nodding her head, and Alicia-Sue grabbed two cups of tea off the tray of a passing server. As she tried to secretly drop the last of the potion into one of the cups, a drunken marine jostled her arm and the potion fell into both cups. The marine stopped to ogle her.

"Ooh baby! How much do you charge?" he asked.

"Wickham," Doofus said through clenched teeth.

"Fitzwilbur, how's your sister?" said Wickham as he tottered on unsteady feet and winked meaningfully.

"The tea, the tea!" cried Alicia-Sue, as it spilled a bit, splashing all four of them. She thrust a cup into both Doofus and Liz's hands and then balanced on one foot, put her hand on her heart, crossed her eyes, pressed her other hand to Doofus' chest, yelled "drink" and then began to chant. Wickham looked at her, giggled, and then copied everything she did, only pressing his hand to Liz's heart instead, or at least a piece of her anatomy that was close to her heart.

Doofus and Liz looked at them in wonder and then, afraid of what else they might do if not obeyed, drank the tea down in one gulp.

"Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble," yelled both Alicia-Sue and Wickham for the third and final time.

Lights flashed as if someone had turned on a disco ball above the dance floor. Wait - someone had turned on a disco ball above the dance floor. Now all that was needed was a black light to make the effect complete.

A Neil Diamond song pounded from the speakers. Jan and Chuck were jiving in the middle of the floor, then Mary-Jen joined them, accompanied by the slimy nerd.

Where it began
I can’t begin to knowin’
But then I know it’s growin’ strong

As the music continued, more people took to the dance floor. Alicia-Sue noticed all the Coven coven witches dancing with guys that looked like clones of Doofus, but for some reason they looked hotter than he did. She looked back at Doofus to compare. He was gazing at her adoringly, just as she had always wished he would. Liz and Wickham were entwined on the couch, oblivious to the rest of the world. Alicia-Sue felt jubilant! What a lucky break that he came along just at the right moment. Even though the potion had been shared between two cups it still appeared to be very potent, or else Liz was more of a sleaze than she'd ever imagined. Oh well, she didn't have to worry about her anymore.

Alicia-Sue let Doofus lead her onto the floor in a daze. He was hers now - all hers. Her dearest dreams had been answered. She snuggled into his arms as he held her close and breathed sweet nothings into her ear. Heaven! Then she looked at all the Coven coven witches again. Their Doofuses did look hotter! Hunkier! Better!

Cindy Coven waltzed closer, "Something wrong, Alicia-Sue dear?" she asked.

Rita Coven came up next. "You have his undying love now," she smirked.

Sarah Coven shimmied by with her gorgeous partner. "You have no need of a whip," she whispered. "Expect slavish adoration."

As Alyson Coven waltzed up, cheek-to-cheek with her handsome partner, Alicia-Sue could bear it no longer. "Who are you all dancing with?" she cried. "They all look like my Fitzwilbur, only somehow more vital, more dashing, less . . . goofy."

"We've all got Darcys," said Alyson Coven smugly.

Sofie Coven, with her bewitching green-eyed Darcy in her arms, sidled up to Alicia-Sue and whispered in her ear, "There's much in a name."