Alicia And The No Good, Very Bad Dwiggie Meet

aurora says: I can’t believe it. Jen moved to NC just to miss the Fl Dwiggie meet!

sofee says: c’mon – I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation.

auroa says: whatev

aurora says: nobody responded to my post at the tr.

aurora says: they’re all stupiheads

sofee says: at least you have Cindles and KT. You’ll still have fun.

aurora says: cjl wants computer. Ttyl

"Why do I even bother organising dwiggie meets?" Alicia muttered to herself as she gave the boy her computer.

"Why do you even bother organising dwiggie meets?" asked the boy.

"Argh!" said Alicia. "Don’t start with me."

The next morning Alicia got back from The Housewife bakery with bags full of fresh gingerbread men and bear claws and brownies. She laid them out on a platter and then looked through her dvds to chose which JA adaptation to watch first. She expected Cindy and Kathy in an hour. Just then her cell phone rang.

"Alicia," said Cindy, only it didn’t sound like Cindy. "I’ve got such a bad cold I can’t come. I hope you and KT have a good time without me."

"Oh no! Eat some chicken soup and get better fast!" said Alicia. When she got off the phone she muttered to herself. "Yeah, right she’s sick! That was the phoniest sick voice ever."

Ten minutes later her phone rang again. It was KT. "My car just blew a gasket so I can’t make it," she said. "I hope you and Cindy have a good time without me."

Alicia said everything that was polite and proper but as soon as Kathy rang off she threw her phone at the couch. "What kind of dwiggie meet is this with just me?" she yelled. Poor Sunday thought she was yelling at him and ran out of the room.

Alicia sat down and turned on her computer. She had a BG pm from Rita telling her how sorry she was she couldn’t drive all the way down there for the dwiggie meet but to have fun without her. "Without everyone, more like!" She checked the tr. All sorts of people were signing up for a California dwiggie meet. She went to the dwg board. Lots of new stories were posted with raving responses. "That was so sweet!" "I love it when Darcy and Lizzy get together with no angst!" "You’ve made me soooo happy!"

That was the moment Alicia got her plan for revenge. "I’ll show them all!" she cried. "I’m going to write a bunch of terrible stories and post them with no warnings! And I’m going to use cutsie aliases so everyone will expect sweet fluffy stories! I can’t wait to start writing." She moved Fudgie off her lap and started typing furiously.

An hour later she sat back from her computer grinning as she reread one of her favourite passages:

'Twas a dark and stormy night; lightning flashed across the sky, illuminating through the sheer curtains in a brief burst the hands stained and dripping with blood. "What have I done?" Darcy thought, "And will Elizabeth love me now that I've killed her beloved George Wickham?"

"I’ll post this one under the name Alyson Anne!" She giggled, saved the file, and opened a new page. As she worked on the next story she ate some gingerbread.

Cjl came into the room. "Hey, why do all the gingerbread men have their heads bitten off?"

"Because they are all stupiheads!" said Alicia without looking up from her computer screen. She typed away and then sat back again. "This stuff is so bad that it’s good!" She reread a few paragraphs of her second story:

Fitzwilliam Darcy's mother died when he was fifteen, and his father when he was eighteen, leaving him to raise his six-year old sister by himself. He managed, somehow, through after-school jobs and determination, to keep up financially with the mansion he'd inherited, put himself through university and graduate school, and take the helm of his father's company. Now at the age of twenty eight he was one of the most influential and wealthiest CEOs on the eastern coast of the United States, and to his credit Georgiana was a polite, brilliant, and talented teenager who split her time between Juilliard as a piano prodigy and pre-engineering courses at New York University, where she'd matriculated two years earlier than her peers.

Fitz thought of her fondly as he gazed at her picture on his desk in his high-rise office which overlooked some of the most expensive real estate on the eastern seaboard. He never took the credit for her many accomplishments, always demurring that her talents and intellect must be a result of her genes more than her upbringing. (Whenever he said this, people nodded behind his back acknowledging the truth of it, for he was also brilliantly clever and could do almost anything well on his first attempt.)

But his life had been so busy with his guidance and mentoring of Georgie, with his education, with his career, that he had no one to share it with on a day by day basis. Already he'd had a decade of experience in fathering, but no children of his own, and no wife to soothe and nurture him at the end of a long, hard day of business transactions. No woman had ever engaged his whole soul. Sure, he'd been attracted, but who could make good conversation? Who could understand the person he was inside? Who would care, not about the money and the mansion and the achievements, but the man? He'd never found that woman.

But as soon as he stepped outside his office that morning and laid eyes on the new employee, with her sparkling, dark eyes, bouncy curls, and perfectly curvy figure, he felt a spark that intrigued him. "Could she be the one?" he wondered.

"Mom, what’s for supper?" asked cjl.

"Eat some of this baking – I’m on a roll," said Alicia. She opened a new document and began typing again:

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a swimmer in possession of a love for sea animals must take a job at Sea World.

Elizabeth Bennet leapt out of the water, propelled by the killer whale named Kandoo, and trotted up the shallow platform in front of the cheering crowd, waving and beaming.

She caught sight of one guy in the stands, however, who were not cheering.  He sat grimacing and scowling while the man next to him who was she presumably was his friend stood and clapped.  She wondered why this guy would have reason to be in a bad mood at Sea World, but decided to go on with her show anyway.

Elizabeth Bennet was the main trailer at the killer whale show here at Sea World.  She loved her job because she got to work with animals she loved.  Her sister and best friend Jane gave tours around the park.  They had an apartment close by that they shared.  Their lives were practically perfect.

When the show dismissed, Elizabeth stood off to the side, watching the crowd leave and answering any questions that people might have about the mighty animals.  She was guiding a young girl to the tank so that a whale could hover in front of her and give the glass a "kiss" when she over heard the two men having a discussion.

"Well, I thought the trainer was very informative.  And she wasn’t bad to look at, either."

"Whatever.  That was the lamest show in the park.  Clyde and Seamore were more impressive than the stupid tricks that whale did.  All it was was an opportunity for children to get splashed and convince people that killer whales are friendly, when they’re not."

"Yes, but you have to admit that the trainer was a babe."

"Maybe.  It’s hard to tell with her hair wet and slicked back like that."

Elizabeth shook her head in bemusement as the men walked away.  She knew she was pretty.  OK, sure, maybe Jane was prettier, but Elizabeth had a bigger chest.  That made all the difference.

"Boy, do I ever crack myself up!" howled Alicia as she spurted diet coke out her nose. She resumed writing:

When the got home later that night, Jane said, "You know, I had the cutest guys in my tour group today."

"Oh really Jane?  Did you get me a date?"

"Well…."

Elizabeth sat up and looked at her sister with affection but surprise.  She couldn’t help it; Jane was such an angel.  "What?  Are you telling me your setting me up on a date with a stranger?"

Three hours later and Alicia was still at it. "This one is really going to drive them insane!" she cried "I’ll post it under the innocuous name of SarahSue!

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a good fortune must be in need of a wife.  But twenty year old Fitzwilliam Darcy did not expect to find her in the over-adorned craddle of the Bennet family.

And yet, as he -- having been dragged there by an overzealous Bingley -- looked into the eyes of the infant Miss Elizabeth Bennet, he was met by a look of such piercing intelligence and such beauty that he knew no one else would do for him but the young miss of the very fine eyes.  Mrs. Bennet, of course, misunderstood his look, and hastened over to assure him -- with her hand crudely placed on her stomach -- that she and Mr. Bennet planned to produce an heir who would break the entail and that Miss Lizzy Bennet did not signify.

But Fitzwilliam looked into those peternaturally understanding eyes and knew that, though the mother might be a horror, Miss Lizzy would be worth waiting for."

Alicia wrote all night. By that time all the gingerbread men were gone, even their toes. But she had five stories almost ready to post. She rubbed her tired eyes and put the finishing touches on her final story:

"Miss Bennet, you are too generous to trifle with me. One word, a look, a nod of the head, a twitch of your eyelid, any sign to tell me if your feelings are the same as they were last April, March, February, January, December, and November. My love for you is undiminished in its ardor and passion and longing and fervor. I would die today if that was the only way I could win your love!"

"Today?" asked Elizabeth.

"Yes! Here and now!" sighed Darcy, his hand on his heart.

"How would you propose doing it? Have you brought with you some implement of self destruction, or can you simply implode at will? Have you hired a cavalry brigade with sabres to charge out and run you through? That would be quite awe inspiring! Yes, I could see love burgeoning from a deed as dramatic as that! Think of all the red coats and gold braid! Are they behind those trees in the spinney yonder?"

Darcy wished he’d had the foresight to plan just such an attack.

"Do not tell me you are relying on poison like some silly Romeo and Juliet spin-off!"

"Nay!" cried Darcy. "Death by poison usually leaves the victim foaming at the mouth with a grotesque expression upon his face. I should want to appear as handsome as ever when you last look upon me!"

"I’ll tell you what," cried Lizzy. "I could stab you with a kitchen knife!"

"Brilliant!" cried Darcy. "If only we had a kitchen knife!"

"I have one in my reticule!" cried Lizzy, pulling it forth. "I keep it for just such emergencies."

"You do?" cried Darcy, half hope, half despair.

"Of course! Have you not ever wondered what happened to Mr Collins, Mr Wickham, and your dear cousin, the colonel without a first name?"

"They all proposed to you?"

"Proposed, propositioned – it is all one and the same! And now, Mr Darcy, prepare to make me love you!"

Darcy stood tall and proud as Lizzy plunged the knife deep into his chest. The last sound he heard was Lizzy’s glorious voice crying. "I love, love, love you!!!!!"

"God I am good!" cried Alicia.

When cjl got up he found his mom asleep on her computer with Indy curled up on her back. He pulled the laptop out from under her, grabbed the last brownie, and started playing the nefarious game.

Three hours later Alicia’s cell phone rang. It was Lela telling her that she was coming by with Denise, Dizzy and Jack to take Alicia out. "Colin told us about your dwiggie meet falling through so we’re taking you to that tea house in Tampa to cheer you up."

"Whatev," Alicia yawned. There was no time to post all the stories before her mom showed up, so Alicia had a shower and put on her cute pink top and new stretch jeans. Her hair had dried to its beautiful best just as they arrived to take her and cjl.

Even though this trip was meant to improve Alicia’s spirits she was feeling bad again by the time they got to the tea house. She’d planned to bring all the dwiggies to tea and had had to cancel the reservation at the last moment. She felt embarrassed to show her face.

As she walked in the entrance with Jack in her arms a loud cheer broke out.

"Welcome to your very special gi-normous dwiggie meet and birthday party!"

Alicia couldn’t believe her eyes. The tea room was full of dwiggies, all wearing t-shirts from the BG boutique! And with the dwiggies were all the Bennetgirls and the BG neighbours and even all their kids, down to the tiniest sprinkle. KT and Cindy ran up to hug her.

"Sorry for tricking you so bad," they said, "But it was worth it to see your face!"

Everyone swarmed around Alicia and gave her a hug, then they all sat down at the tables and had cream tea and dainty sandwiches. Alicia looked around the room and smiled. She had the best friends ever! But that didn’t change anything. She was going to post those stories anyway – but instead of in revenge it would be in celebration.

Happy, Happy Birthday Alicia! We love you!

Wish Alicia a happy birthday here!

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